Realizing I don’t want easy
I got stuck again last week. Overwhelmed and anxious in the middle of a life that is just a result of my choices. I went back to Belgium and it went deep. It was as I left it, but somehow, I didn’t belong. And yet it was so pure because I stopped pretending. I came home to my family for real this time, I came home to the waves and the wind of the North Sea that used to not be exotic enough but now seems so pretty and wild. I went home to Belgium to the things I moved away from and they are all still there and it almost looks like I could just go back, and land in them like a soft bed. But I left and I also remember why.
I got stuck because everything felt so damn hard. All I could think about was to not be in this city that feels like a jungle where you are on your own and where you have to take care of yourself all by yourself. And then I remember I am here because I want to be.
I got here because I made every single choice away from safety and the known and the predictable. I left Ostend for Barcelona because I wanted to figure out how to live without a map. I left the scale behind because I want to feel the way my body feels when it can do what it wants. I left a love that felt like home because I want the open space.
And then I cry because life is not easy?
I don’t want easy. If I wanted easy, I would keep things easy.
BAM. Insight of the day.
What I want is uncomfortable as hell. It is so crystal clear when I look from a distance to the big decisions in the last few years and the last few months: every choice I made was one in the direction of growth and momentum and open space. Never ever did I do anything that was based on predictability and security. I wanted the push, the exploring of new territory, the growth, the moving around and the trying out. Even the most routine things I do like yoga and tarot and writing are processes of unfolding and becoming.
I don’t want easy. if I wanted easy, I would keep things easy.
I want momentum and flow and wildness and aliveness and truth.
I want to be free. I want a life that is worthy.
I got scared because I could not handle the chaos there for a moment and the contrast with what could have been was so tangible. I thought easy was the answer. I started thinking about routines and ways I could order my life and get more structure and feel safer and get rid of this whole anxiety thing. But I don’t want it. I started looking around and I tried to follow guidebooks that are not written for me and I tried to lean on things that are not meant for me and I crash because they cannot hold me. They cannot hold me because in reality I don’t want to be held.
I don’t want to hide away from intensity into things that feel safe. I want to feel safe in the intensity.
I need momentum. I want my life to move. I made a few moves that started a wave of change - everything is in motion and sometimes it feels random and yet – I got what I wanted. Sometimes I forget and I start telling myself a different story – the story where I lost everything and I have no idea what I am doing. But then I remember that was the whole point.
I don’t want easy. Understanding this feels like a relief, and opens up whole new ways of thinking about what I need to feel grounded and calm. I don’t want easy but I do want peace and quiet and simplicity and confidence and integration. Realizing this switches the whole thing from trying to control life to staying connected to who I am.
What are the things I trust? What are the things I fully control? How can I do this whole self care thing in a way that feels like poetry and power?
How can I lean into relationships and connections without the games, without losing my innocence but with fierce boundaries at the same time?
How do I define my vision and how can I commit to making that the baseline of my life? My anchor.
How do I become enough for myself? That is the question in the end.
And the answer is here. Not in any external things or people or big moves, but in fully embodying and owning who I am and deeply knowing what I need. It is not about finding anything to hold onto, it is about making space to hold myself and being free and worthy enough to let her do her thing.
I need to stop complaining about the story that put me where I am – because I am are exactly where I need to be.
I am at the point where I figured out my impulse is to keep moving. I figured out I am drawn to the wild and the intense and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing or a thing that hurts, it can be the very thing that sets me free.
I am at the point where I get to belong to myself before anything else and then share all that I have.
I am at a point where I am learning how to find myself in the chaos and instead of lose myself.
I am the point where I feel like the task at hand is so empowering that it will unlock everything else.
And now I am not scared anymore. Just excited.
Meet me here, it is refreshing.