The Productivity in Sidetracking

 This is my first Sunday off in weeks, even months. I wanted to actually work, create. Get things together. I wake up, do some yoga and have breakfast. I pull some cards on my productivity process and they all suck. Haha - bummer. But it makes me think. All these cards about the process feel a bit blocked and it is true. It just does not seem to exist right now. I try to to see where I could have worked harder on building this business and creating a brand and having some kind of coherent image of who I am. But that would have been a lie, because my life has been everything but coherent.

I am trying to create space and time and energy to cultivate focus on a to-do-list, but it doesn’t seem to come. And maybe that is okay. Maybe this day needs to feel more like an exhale - rest, and less like a fight. Maybe I am supposed to relax - purify, wipe the slate clean.

I can hold the vision without chasing it like a slave. Drop the idea of passion and expectations and timelines and change the whole point to being curious and awake instead. I am done bringing effort into my life where there can be ease.

Life is happening. And for the first time, I let it happen exacty as it wants to. Things come up and take up space and energy. It is easy to call them distractions if they don’t fit our carefully constructed plan. But they hold worth and they deserve our respect just the same. Little peptalks and love notes and slaps in the face from the universe that demand attention. They hijacked the big picture - and maybe it is exactly how it is supposed to be. They hold their little lessons. Lessons I would not learn if I only focussed on the vision I somehow decided should be my life. Why did even think I can just decide what to go for and that would be that?

My life feels like a movie lately and I am surprised by every turn this plot takes. Only directors know how it is going to end; the characters have no idea. They deal with what comes up. They are in it. I am in it. Just life on the ground, in the raw and in the wild. And it is so much more exciting.

Current state: embracing the treshold, slowing down to see the truth and suprising myself as things unfold in ways I cant predict. A state of confusion is so full of potential, so fertile. This state has been at the base of every meaningful thing in my life - so why are we always in such a rush to go to the part where we can connect the dots and turn the lessons into something productive?

In the end - the last month was nothing it was supposed to look like but I learned more about boundaries and surrencer than in the last year, I made more money than in the last year, I was more in my body then in the last year. There were more surprises than in the last year. There is a flow - there is a direction, a continuity, a sense of being carried. I am a bit lost, but I am not losing myself. I am coming home in the chaos instead of trying to control it. And that might just be a very big and useful talent in this life.

But then yes, maybe the big picture is a bit lost. And on a Sunday like this I wonder where it went. I have a choice to beat myself up about it or to just notice that and adjust.

I can be mindful and hold the vision coser in my mind and look for clues and openings. I can remember all the things I want to create. I can consciously make efforts to make the space for it to rush in. I can make my practises my non-negotiables. I can drop the non essential.

I can keep the play and keep dancing with this; all I need to do is hold my intention in the midst of it. Put the intention back in it’s rightful place so it all becomes a creation and not a reaction.

Invite it in - make the work want to come join the fun.

What ebbs must flow. I am not worried - living this way is probably the most productive way in the end. Simply because it is life itself. And my work will only be full when I am. It will only be interesting when my life is interesting. It will only be beautiful when I notice beauty. It will only be fresh when I allow my life to be strong, intense and a force.

Y eso es.