owning your energy

Sometimes life comes rushing in and it sweeps away your carefully built perspective of why things are okay the way they are and all you can feel is how things are heavy and how small you are. Sometimes you want to cry but you can’t and it stays inside and things feel blocked. And then one thing goes wrong and another too and it is so easy to start to feel like a victim of life. Taking one punch after another and you just get exhausted. Eventually you cry anayway and things get better after that. Because you wash away the fog, because you water the seeds inside and you clean things out. New. Pure. And you laugh. And life brings you gifts, one after the other and you giggle when no one is around. Some days just don’t feel right. They carry a sense of powerlessness, unease. Nothing changed compared to yesterday but somehow it feels like old clothes and the day does not fit. When you think about the choices that felt so right before, you can’t even see what the hell you were thinking then. Breathe.

Sometimes days like this happen and they need care and they need action.

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Some days it feels like life happens to you and not for you. So you need to happen to life back. Tell it you are here and you are a force too. Show it what you are made of.

On these days I like to make a list, or to keep some kind of mental track of all the things that I did for me, for my mood, for my life or for others. All the ways I happened to life –the ways I take the power back, the ways I remind myself of who I am, the ways in which I slow down the heavy tide and make a wave.

It is different than a gratitude list, it's a list of warrior acts, that are gentle and sweet and mine. Try it. You will suprsised by how much of your day can still be yours when your life feels strange.

A gratitude list is sweet medicine too but it is about receiving, noticing what is already there. These success-lists are more proactive, about how you show up for yourself, do what you can where you are and keep it moving. The success list is all you and the change that you make, the anchors you throw out for yourself, the floating pieces of wood in the stormy ocean that give you some rest.

Gratitude is about how you float. Taking good action is about how you swim, swim your shit back together.

Gratitude is about receiving. Taking good action is about the building, the creating, the taking responsibility.

Gratitude is awareness of how the universe is working for you. Taking action is about you working for the universe, unconditionally.

And having a bad day  is not an excuse to not do your part. It can be gentle, it can be screaming, it can be crying, it can be feeling or doing. It can be pausing or taking action. It can be solitude or asking a million people for help. It can be small and subtle or it can be loud and disruptive. It can be making plans or cancelling them.

It can be anything at all, except quitting and giving up.

Every single positive action, practise or connection is an act of rebellion against the heaviness. Every single action, practise or connection is an affirmation of your power and your life.

And as we do this, our ways to keep going become more and more numerous. We get creative, we get better at picking the right tool for the right kind or energy. We get faster and more effective so the heavy dark moods that overtake us do not get a chance to get that big. We become co-creators of this life. In awe and gratitude for the good things that come our way, and powerful and awake to the good things that we can create.

As a practise, you can make your gratitude list and your list of good actions separately. Do it every day for a while, or do it on days that you feel like you need it.

Here is mine for today:

Positive actions:

  • Walking home instead of taking the metro this morning

  • Breakfast on my terrace

  • Pulling tarot cards and taking time to reflect

  • Power Yoga session

  • Productivity and answering e-mails that I have been putting off, closing a deal.

  • Cooking lunch

  • Skyping a power friend back at home

  • Reading a book about shamanism

  • Moving stuff to my new place near the beach

  • Go skating

  • Yin yoga session

  • Long hot showers

  • Meeting yoga teacher friends for wine and talking about all the things

  • Meeting single friends for wine and brownies on Valentines day

This is a lot. And it looks kind of like I had a really really chill day. And I did. But when you have a mood that urges you to hiding and watching Netflix and nothingness, this is a pretty big turnaround of owning your energy and making a change. And it all just starts with walking home, because it opened me up to something that the universe already did for me: a sun shining and an air that feels like spring. That sun, is something to feel grateful for – but it does not mean anything if we don’t take the step to meet it halfway.