Centered

If I had a word for 2019, this is it: to be centered.

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2018 was a lot of freedom. A new country. New friends. A place where it does not matter whether it is weekend or not, where the sun always shines and the beach calls. Where there is always temptation, where people look at you strangely if you talk about guilt and overthinking. Why? They say, what is the use. Just enjoy.

I did.

I did enjoy. I let myself go in lots of ways. And in lots of ways it has brought me home to myself. To a sense of freedom I cherish more than anything, a way of living more lightly, without compromising on truth. A way of life fast enough to never be bored, to always feel like you are on the edge of something to grow into. A way of life slow enough to really feel what is going on, where I can hear what I want beyond all the "should's". A way of life where we can stop being so damn hard on ourself and see the celebration, the beauty, the potential.

2018 was a lot of freedom. But maybe too much. It is a current and it takes you.

I have stretched beyond myself, did things I would not have done the year before. Not bad things, just radically different things that make it hard to recognize yourself, hard to figure out what is next. I have gained things and I have lost things by going too far too fast. I lost some friends, a love. I lost a lot of direction, focus to work on my real dreams: to be here, to write, to coach, to teach. Things like boundaries, discipline and routine get swept away under last-minute plans and instant friendships and passing joints. It is hard to construct something, build something real when you count on everything just happening on its own.

In 2019, I want to be centered.

In no way will I ever give back this sense of freedom and the openness it gives. But I want to be rooted in who I am and where I intend to go at the same time.

I want to bring back this sense of passion, purpose and drive. I want to carve out time for me and for writing. I want to be consistent. I want to teach more. I want to build friendships that last. I want to cook for myself more, instead of late night patatas bravas. I want to go running instead of sleeping in.

I want to be free with more grace. I want to know when to say yes and when to say no and to what. I want to feel my feelings and let myself be intense, but to also know how to balance it out.

I want the freedom to feel like a river that is going somewhere instead of a river that is just bursting the banks and overflowing in the land that is next to it. I want to head for the ocean again, find my momentum. 

In 2019 I want to be centered.

Be the eye of the hurricane. Connected to a core, to what matters, so that I always have a place to start from and a place to come back to. An alpha and an omega.

I want to take more responsibility in this beautiful mess.

I want to protect my boundaries and my practises in the middle of this city.

I want to take care of myself deeper, fuller and more unapologetically in the middle of this dance.

I want to find the motivation to playfully work in the middle of so many options.

I want to be the flow and not just go with it.  

I want to keep everything else, but find a middle point that does not shake.