September upgrade. I wrote it on here, to feel like I made a promise to the world so it would be harder to break than if it was just a promise to myself. But I failed. Already. 2nd of September. It was a birthday party, and I had wine. This whole thing was more based on guilt than on truth. I got scared by being so distracted all summer and I wanted to guilt trip myself into getting my shit together. And hey, the core of those intentions is pure, but the way that I applied them was off.
I kept saying September, September, September. Every time I drank too much, ate crap, was lazy, I whispered "September" to myself. As if this was the holy grail.
I had a lot of clarity on all the ways that I keep myself small and all the big dreams that I have been wanting to build but somehow lost the day-to-day motivation for. I lost the momentum. And September was supposed to be the boost.
The plan was to become an angel, basically. Eat vegan-ish. Never touch diet coke again, not drink. Get serious about teaching yoga classes, getting coaching clients. Get a better job. Make more money. Travel more. Write. Do yoga. Have structure. Cook every meal. Be kind. Be tidy. Wash my clothes on time. Keep everything perfect. Be less messy. Look good, be sexy. Move to a different country, have a thriving social life and keep in touch with friends at home. Have a magnificent relationship with my man where we are both grounded and free. Meditate.
But wow. This intention brought me nothing really, except a first class ticket to panick attacks leading up to the first of September.
It is not about bypassing the bullshit and then find myself in this perfectly balanced life. I CANNOT DO IT ALL AT ONCE. There, if I want to call that failure that is that, but I can call it human to.
It was a birthday party and I had wine, even though I so carefully went to the store to get myself some other options. I realized this/ there was some wisdom beyond the disappointment in myself - if I would dare to let myself go there.
I realized I want a lot of things, and I will get them. In a way. In wanting a lot of things, sometimes one thing will be more important than another. This summer was for freedom and integration and love. September seems to call for restructuring and ambition. Both are okay. The things I want will come and go like waves, roll over each other, one after the other. The waves will be different but they come from the same ocean. I just have to surrender to that timing and keep my head above water.
I will get there by continuously connecting to that vision and fueling it with inspired action. By getting myself in a high-vibe place and doing the work to stay there.It is in doing the work to stay aware about what blocks me on my way there and about doing the work to find ways to get rid of the blocks or ways to move around them.
Right now, alcohol is a block. Diet coke is a block.
And that is where I need to focus on, that is a priority, that wave will roll over into the other waves that are waiting to gain force. That is where I start now. I don't have to micromanage career and relationships and food, if I am trying to tackle one thing. And this one thing is connected to a lot of other things - if I focus on drinking less and drinking with more awareness if I do, that will automatically be good for the food choices I make, the energy I have, and the presence I can put into my work and the people around me.
It is not about cramming in new ambition, or expecting myself to do everything all at once. It is simply about starting where we are, optimizing that, so we can make way for what wants to happen through us.
It is not about forcing any 30 day thing to happen, although it can help. It is not that hard to stop anything for 30 days, it is just like holding your breath too long – it can be uncomfortable but then you breathe again. It is more about learning why this habits cling to us, why we need them, to invite them in and then to let them go. It is not about stopping to do anything with force; it is about getting ready to let it go. About learning the lessons so it can fall away naturally.
In wanting to forcefully cut the negative habits out of my life all at once, I achieve nothing. In wanting to handle all the ups and downs of this life at once, the only thing I do is freeze.
I don't have to prove anyone I can stop anything for a number of days. I do have to prove myself that I can stay awake to the dynamics in my life and deal with them.
I guess this is just a call to grow up, to focus on what is real and to let the rest fall away. Gently, with understanding. So that what I create has more to do with freedom than restriction, more with abundance than lack, more with expression than self-containment.
That is a September Upgrade for you. So I guess I did not fail after all.