Let me let it be messy.

New intention: let things be messy. Stop fighting where my soul wants to go - when it seems to want the intensity and the wild and the overwhelm - when it wants to grow at high-speed.

I tell myself I should go back to balance, moderation, control I tell myself that is what I want - to feel safe.

While underneath,

All I want is to be in motion Indulge Be engulfed

But I keep waiting for me To find my still People keep waiting for me To be done searching, healing, growing. I cry and they tell me to stop, I think too much and they tell me to relax I relax too much and they tell me to get busy I feel too much and they tell me to snap out of it I escape and numb my feelings and it is not good either. Whatever I do, there is this expectation to come back to ... still, calm, balance.

And i do, in a rush.

I want to stop setting the pace, I want to let things be messy.

The thing is as soon as I get too intense, I am scared I get too much, I start counteracting it and try to calm. I feel guilt.

Whatever something inside of me is trying to experience, I let it ride for a minute, but I keep an eye on the clock. I let it roam free, but make sure I have it under control.

I let myself get wild but in the same breath I promise myself it wont last too long.

Guilt drives it back "into balance".

Maybe I can stop that. Maybe I can let my life be messy. Maybe I can let me let it be messy.

I seek the calm the moment my life is set on fire, because I have made myself belief that is the good place. The place where we know what we feel and why and how to deal.

But the truth is, if I am brave enough to admit, fire feels like home to me, just as the calm does. If I find that fire, I write more, I live more, I learn more. I can feel joy, aliveness, an energy that is beyond me. that I don't know how to fully breathe into - yet.

The fire is messy.

And I never considered messy as a place to stay.

But when I look back, it is where I grow, where I burn away what is no longer needed, where I make my best art, where I am in life.

Why do I keep trying to cut it short?

Maybe I am scared, of who I can become if I let it burn. If I stop retreating and surrender. If I skip past the fear and the guilt into what is true and let it take me away.

Because the still and the fire will dance anyway,

It is not that the calm is now the bad place. It is necessary. It can be part of the messy.

The wild and the peace, I want it all. I want to let them be. To flow. To let them interchange and exchange. To go at their own pace, dance together in a rhythm set by something bigger than me.

I want to let things be messy, be real, be truth. And I want to open up through them, grow through them.

I think I held on to the calm so much, because I felt like it kept things together, while fire only burns them away.

Maybe I am finally confident enough to believe that my life - my love - my home - my practise - my people are here to stay, regardless of my control on when to be wild and when to be calm Things can be kept together or burned away but what is real won't fall apart if I loosen my grip.

If I breathe.

Maybe I am realizing that the calm will come but it is not something I want to rush into but it is not a place I have to return to before I am done with the heat Maybe I am done trying to make the calm come on demand When the calm is wise enough to come when she is needed, and I will feel it when I need to invite her in.

Maybe I am brave enough now, to set the fire free. Maybe.

If I breathe.

Let me let it be messy.

Leo baby.