Hangovers & Choosing Pleasure Wisely

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I always have these existential crisis moments after I have been drunk. Because I feel like shit, because I feel like whatever I did the night before did not match with the idea I have of my life should be. I start guilt tripping myself into making promises to "do better", to be more disciplined.  (To never drink again, to commit more, focus, be harder on myself. Dieting somehow is always on that list).

But I am done. I am done dishonoring the beauty of last night. Of being around friends, setting of firecrackers, getting drunk on joy and wine and swimming in the sea. Of letting go while celebrating Summer. It was the night of fire here in Barcelona, and we burned. And nothing in that story was wrong.

I feel calm today. Because last night was amazing - just as healing as it now hurts a little. Because last night was a deep dive into being present, going with the flow, dropping into life. There was no escape, no tension, no running away. It was all soul, no ego. Pure surrender. It is exactly what we mean when we say we want to feel young and free.

There was meaning there, poetry. Sensuality even. Anaïs Nin kinda vibe. It is exactly what I want to embody in how I live, work, love, fuck, think. And when my mind tries to trick me into feeling guilty, shush, I am done with that. I have done it way to much. 

My relationship with pleasure - allowing - letting go - has always been a weird one. Based on thoughts like: Do I deserve this? Am I good enough?

And starting off from those questions, leads to making poor choices. It leads to pleasure that tries to prove something, or tries to escape from something or tries to let go while still being in control. It leads to drinking too much at the wrong time, eating granola because I am lazy or emotional, it leads to skipping yoga, buying things I don't need. It is always loaded with the idea that it would have been better if I haven't done it. That it was indulgence when I should have been on track.

I am changing the story.

My relationship with pleasure now revolves around these questions: Is there sensuality in it? Is there soul in it? Is there an intention to completely embody this life with all its juiciness? That's it. 

It is not about saying no. It is not about saying yes.

It is about learning how to choose your pleasure wisely. 

It is about keeping ourselves on a high level so we can choose from a good place. And that, my dears, is the only discipline I am committing to on this post hangover day: the work it takes to own my vibe, to feel good and to stay in the zone where my choices automatically reflect my nature.

That is the work, the rest is play.