Mind and Heart: Looking for the Gold
I want it all - and I sometimes wish I didn't. It makes me a walking contradiction. It makes me "too intense", a "dreamer" whodoes not want to make the compromises, a girl that makes life harder than it has to be. Maybe, they can say what they want - I am not here to make it easy, I am here to own this life and to let it be all it can ever be. I see people living in their hearts. Traveling the world, smoking joints, living form one day to the next with no money, from one lover to the next. They live in the moment, carried by whatever is to be found right here, right now. They don't worry about insurance, about lasting love, about the bigger picture. They go on a whim, impulse, spontaneous. I looked at them, wanting to be them, these people who go with their gut, but I can't keep up. I left my home for Latino beaches, thinking I could stay and let it all go - but no. I felt empty somehow, even though my tan was on point.
I see people living with their heads. Buying the houses, settling down, making the right career moves, thinking about timing and saving and even pensions. They chose a job they don't like and they stay, "because they have to". They are in a relationship and they stay, because at one point "you have to", you made a choice and you stay. These mind people leave me feeling a lost. It is probably smart what they are doing, but it does not feel that wise to me to shut up your emotions, intuitions and desires. I tried to become one of them, but hey, it failed miserably. I felt so hungry for life I stopped eating.
I need them both. Mind and heart. To be in agreement with each other. They hardly ever are. But I will try and try and try to balance it all. Because that is where the gold is. And once you know where the gold is, you can't not go for the gold. I refuse to sacrifice one side of life for the other.
I am looking for the gold in this life, and I am getting close.
And yes it makes life harder than it has to be. And yes I could make more compromises, but I don't want to. Been there, done that, no go back.
What I want is to be so awake - all the time. To not lose sight of what I desire. To have enough courage to make space for it. To question that what limits me so I can hold on to healthy boundaries and smash all the walls that are made out of fear. I want to be open and determined. I want to be committed to nothing but the truth. I want to build on what I have, give it my all. I want to keep adding in what I feel I am missing, keep clearing out what no longer works. I want to stay willing and capable of continually examining myself and my choices, and that is not easy. That is hard, but it is what it is. It is also the most rewarding thing I have ever done. And I have never felt more at ease, peace.
I am looking for the gold in this life. Let me.