Where Did the Ambition Go?
I came here shouting to myself "it is time to settle". I felt it deeply: this need to stay in one place. To build community. To coach. To teach yoga. To guide. To build a business, whatever that means. I have been here for 3 months and I have fun. I am letting go. This business plan is still on my computer somewhere. My marketing strategy is non-existent. I am letting go. And I think, wait. Where did the ambition go? I thought I wanted to settle and now I am here and all I do is let go, keep it loose.
I say yes: to the beach, to dropping boundaries, to expanding possibilities. Yes to eating tapas, to talking to my childhood home less, yes to being here. Yes to pizza at midnight and yes to the joint that goes around. Yes.
I say no to routine. I say no to the things that kept me "grounded". I say no to predictability. I do things without thinking and then think about it later - only to remember how much I laughed and forget. I go and throw 20 cents in a scale in the pharmacy only to forget the number I saw, like it means nothing. Because it means nothing. I let myself fall in and out of meditation.
I say no to the control mechanisms and the planning - no to all of it. It makes no sense to have a meal plan when you live in the right now. It makes no sense to put in these structures when you feel carried by the flow - moment after moment.
I am realizing I am not as vulnerable as I think - rough diamonds are indestructible, they do not need that much protecting. I am realizing I can feel grounded without feeling heavy. I have no routine, everything is up in the air, and we are flying. In a sense all that matters is up here with us. I am not losing anything that is real. All I am losing is fear and shame and guilt.
I write when my fingers tingle and I find my way to my yoga mat day after day. My body feels great with gratitude. I cry more. I laugh more. I meet people. I wake up and go to sleep besides my love every night. I have the conversations that my heart wants to have. My food is whatever feels good whenever feels right and that is the only way it can be right now: because so is my life. This freedom is only this freedom if all on me is on board.
I came here because I wanted to settle and build. I am here and all I do is let loose. And I wonder where my ambition went? When will I get to work?
And then I realize, this is the vision. This is what I am after all this time. This freedom is not going against my vision.This is the air my goals need to breathe.
It is this that will make me do my best work. It is this deep sense of freedom and trust that enriches my coaching, my yoga and my craft. It is an allowing. A trust in the lessons learned. I don't want to live out my big vision as a to do-list in a rigid way. I want to live by the moon, grow organically. Let go when she is full, re-asses when she is new.
I want to fall in love with joy rather than fearing it will slow me down, or guide me of track. I want to let joy lead the way.
So where did my ambition go? It is right here in everything I do. Because this coaching, teaching, guiding needs to grow from a place that feels good in the here and now. My ambition is more on fire than ever, because it is everywhere. It is from this place that I can be true to my craft and to you, that I can offer you what I have. My ambition is right where it needs to be, it is just different from what I imagined it to feel like.
It is not in the struggle, and it is not in the structure and not in the pain. It is in the belly laughs and the insights, in what is read in between. It is in what stays after you let go. It is what you allow to be true. It is in the setting it free.