Life is Not a Yes or No Question
I am learning that it is not always either or; not all or nothing. There is not always just one good choice. Sometimes both options are okay. Sometimes both options help you grow into who you are.
Become a doctor, they said. It will be good. And I believed them.
I became a yoga teacher, life coach, traveller instead. It is good too - I said. And they believe me now.
I had two choices the other day:
Stay home. Think, write, learn about marketing, practise yoga, take a bath, send some e-mails. A good mixture of self-care and productivity.
Go out. Go have patatas bravas and an aperol with my fiance on one of those first summer nights in our new city. A mixture of connection and letting go.
I am really good at feeling guilty - it is my least favorite talent, my most useless one too. If I would have stayed in, I would have wondered if I am not missing out on being young, if my ambition is costing me my spontaneity, if I am blocking life. If I would have gone out, I would have wondered if I am not being too soft on my dreams, if I should not show up for my work for, if I am having too much food and wine.
I am really good at feeling guilty. And this comes from the assumption that it is a right or wrong game. It is outward or inward. It is work or joy. It is self-care or being around others. And then you always feel guilty - because in making yourself pick, you lose out on the other.
Don’t try to choose—if you try to choose you will be in difficulty. Every choice is going to create a division in you, a kind of split in you. Why choose? When you can have both, why have one? - Osho
I can have both. If I go out, there will be another night that I will crave to listen to the inside of my mind, there will be nights that I write - like tonight. On the terrace, live music playing next door, a new moon in the sky, our little cherry tomato plant growing, him reading next to me. Tonight I write, I go inward yet I pour my feelings out here just the same - for you to read. There is connection and joy here as well. If I go out, I can go out, be there fully. Because there will be a night like this to follow up always.
The way out of guilt is dropping the assumption that something is right or wrong in the moment. Dropping the belief that we have to choose one side of life. The way into enjoyment is choosing what feels good and then fully owning where you end up. The way into freedom is trusting that it will balance out in the end, that you will always navigate to what you need right there in the moment: and in the end, that is what makes you bloom.
When you can have both, why chose one?
I choose both.
I allow myself to choose both. I let go of the idea that I have to be in control all the time. If there is one lesson I am learning it is this:
Discipline comes out of awareness; control comes out of fear. - Osho (again)
Guilt is only there because we broke the rules that we believe hold ourselfves in place. The rules that are there to keep us in control, on track. When get to a place where we trust our awareness more than our need to control, guilt does not show up anymore.
I am learning that the more I dare to choose outside of those rules, from a place of real connection and awareness, the more I manifest what I desire. The more I embody my vision and my work the way it is showing up in the moment, the more life works for me and not against me. The more I am aware of my truth, the more my actions and choices reflect that. And they reflect it better than my control or guilt ever could.
So I let go, life is not a yes or no question.
P.S: Watch the Netflix series on Osho. Wild wild country. It is gooooooooood. I like him - kind of. Still making my mind up after that show.
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