From falling to Dancing. A Freewrite.

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Me + A day of Overwhelm in La Barcelona + Letting go of a computer = This. Thoughts. A heart trying to give itself a peptalk. This. Because it doesn't feel like a time for planned posts and predetermined topics. This is the in between. This is where I go with what I got.

I feel like I am free-falling. I feel like I jumped and I can't take it back, I don't want to take it back but I am going too fast. This is the in between. And I know there is a lesson to be learned in this – to prepare and do the work, to let go and surrender, detach from the outcome. I do what I need to do and I try to protect my energy in the meantime. I try to practise, meditate, write, read. I try to catch glimpses of the sea, I try to catch eight hours of sleep, I listen to Oprah on the way to work. I find comfort food that does not cross the line with guilt. I try.

I try to work on myself - that is the only tangible thing I have to build on right now. The "thing" I trust the most - myself (and I never thought I would ever say that, let this be proof for how far I have come).

I try to work on myself so I stay steady. Everything happening around me, is chaos waiting to fall into place, but for now it is a storm. I protect my energy so when something bumps into me, it has an impact and it hurts, but it does not shatter me.

It does not shatter me.

See, the storm itself is innocent, I am not angry at it. I just resist it somehow, and it is exhausting. I have no control over anything. And control is my thing.

So I understand why the I am here, to learn to open to what comes, while my little ego hardens and puts up a fight. I want to surrender but fuck, this is hard. Maybe it all falls together in the end. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I don’t do maybe. I said hell yes to this dream and I can’t build it on a maybe. It is ridiculous how little control I have, not knowing where I sleep, not knowing my schedule in two weeks, being in a big city where I do not have any routine, while working fulltime for the first time ever (yes, judge me).

I came here to find a home, to build a career, to teach yoga and to guide, to spend endless summer nights. To have a tan and wear lipstick. To reinvent. And now here I am. This is the part where the vision needs back-up. It needs a lot of work. It needs you to push aside your ego and get dirty.

This is where you keep working at step one as long as it takes, even when you thought you should have figured it out by now.

This is where doubt gets crushed because it is everywhere and you still go on.

This is where you prove to the universe that you are in.

This is where you do not give up. This is where you stick with it and do what you can.

This is where you say no a lot, to defend your boundaries, to keep sight of your yes – of why you are here.

This is where you say yes a lot, to ease, and comfort and cutting yourself some slack.

This is where you let go of everything that you no longer need. And at the same time this is where everything you thought you had let go of before comes back to the surface.

This is where I try to be strong, but softness is the only way.

This is raw. It is wild. It is all around. This is the free fall.

See, you have to be a lion and a lamb at the same time, you have to be the definition of strength and an icon of softness in order to make it. You have to, it’s the only way.

And it is that little dance with the big contradictions of life that makes this the hardest thing to do, and the most worthwhile as well.That is what I am here to learn. That is the dance we need to be strong for: so we can participate.

Maybe it is only a free fall when I look at it that way, I am not just flying in the sky waiting for what is going to happen. I am in it, and I can take this dance if I want to. I can participate.

And there is no other way to be here than to be here, holding on to all that you got. Holding on to what brought you here, and trust that a little bit – because you remember how you used to trust it with all your heart and that memory is enough to trust it now.

So I dance. This is the in-between. I am honored to be here, proud to be here. Strong enough to be here.