On desiring one thing, but craving another. On intuition. On having it all.
What we want is often confusing. What we want and think we deserve says a lot about who we are and how much we respect ourselves. How we go after what we want says a lot about our determination, discipline. What we want is often not black and white.
What is true when two things feel true? When you want to live near your friends, but you also want to move across the world? When you want to eat but you know you are not really hungry? When you need to listen to yourself but you also want to watch tv? When you want to have a bath but you also need to study? When you want to be alone but you made plans with friends? A lot of the time there is no real answer there. When is cutting yourself some slack the right thing to do and when is it wiser to show up for yourself in a way that will support your long-term goals? What when what you want right now does not even serve you?
A lot of the time, it is stressing me out. I feel pulled in two directions. I make one choice and still feel guilty. I make a choice and do not feel very fulfilled. Mostly, this comes down to choosing between instant gratification and long-term goals. What would feel good right now vs what feels good in general. But why are the now and the general so often polar opposites to each other? Why does what I want now not support what I want later? Why does it even sabotage it?
It doesn't need to be that way. Your long-term desire is already here and now, always. We can feel that desire pump in our veins from time to time, and often it is really easy to tune it to it. Other times it gets buried underneath what is practical or logical, or easy or safe. And it becomes harder to feel the presence of what we really want in the present moment.
That is where it gets confusing, when we start spiraling around, where things become unclear and we don't know what is right or wrong. There is not one healthy desire, no clear vision. There are a million different voices. Intuition is still one of them. Fear is another. Boredom another. Family another. Your younger self another. Social media another.
When I am not clear on what I want, or when I act in ways that contradict each other: too much noise is involved. The clarity is gone. I have lost connection to what it is I am going for and fear or laziness start to advocate for short-term desires, so what truly matters gets postponed for a while. When your long-term goals do not align with your short-term goals or cravings or needs, it often means that some part of yourself is not on board. You somehow believe you are not ready, or you don't deserve it, or you can't to it. Parts of you are not ready to face themselves. You run away or numb in tv-shows or alcohol or shopping or gossiping or over thinking.
Instead of analysing all your choices, or getting into rigid rules, or stressing yourself our because of the expectations you put on yourself, let me invite you to try something else. I have been experimenting a lot with this lately: cut yourself some slack and make space. What it comes down to is reconnecting to intuition. What it does not come down to is being hard on yourself.
Instead of focusing on the actions and the things you do wrong or the confusion in your life. Take a step back and open up some space, to go within. Listen to how you feel, and instead of trying to fix it, learn to understand it first. Question the limiting beliefs that you hold instead of judging yourself. Allow yourself space and time to be with yourself, and feel the truth that comes from that. Allow your intuition to come through more and more. Open up ways to access that connection to yourself.
Look at your need for quick fixes or old habits, be it a glass of wine or a tv show or another hour of Facebook. Look at it and see if you can sit with it, if you can go through it instead of around it. Whenever you need to escape, see if you can stay present. If you can feel your breath, and what it represents. The more you do this, the easier your intuition will be accessed. This way we can live in the moment, from a stong connection to ourselves, so that all parts of us are moving in the same direction, so that the parts that are scared or tired or ashamed are listened to and integrated back into the whole. So that what we want is clear because we have our intuition to fall back on. It leads the way, and what you want will feel more natural to you, and less conflicting.
The more you are connected to your intuition, the more what you want right now will be in agreement with what you want for your life. It will become easier to act on it, for the need to hide or numb is gone. All of you is here for you, and what you truly want can lead the way with less resistance. What you want for your life and the vision for your future, will be reflected in what you crave now. Because you are present, the rest will align.
hasgtag keeping it real: not perfect at this yet, still very much experimenting. It takes effort and it is messy, but it is so so sweet to get closer. This is where the 30 days of no wine came in handy. That is why I am now following up with a sequel of 30 days of no tv-shows - stay tuned for how that goes. If you are looking for a place to start: take what you use to "avoid" life, cut it out and see what comes up. :)