Wine? No thanks, for now.
And so I quit. Alcohol. One month.
There. I said it.
Maybe my friend is right and going for zero is being to hard on myself, it is tough. Maybe I make it worse like this, I have tried and failed before. But how I am drinking bothers me. I need to be able to do this, or at least think about what it means if I can’t. The zero is temporary, the mindful could be forever.
October, it is the beginning of fall. A month for finding inner balance and stability. Settling in. Going inward and finding security there, ground. Move slow, with intent. Rest. Let things come to you. Cut the chase and cut to the point. The essence. Pure.
So I want to live October there, in the essence. In what comes up if I stop the distractions. In staying with what is. Feeling all the feelings. Not running from but going through. As slow and though and easy as it goes. Because hey, maybe this will be easy. Maybe it is not that hard to let go of little glasses of white wine and bring in those cups of tea in the evening. Maybe it is not that hard – it is the story that is. There is so much story there, and history and expectation, and ties to the past and other habits, triggers. It is a safety lock that keeps the complicated away. A quick way to forget. Or at least make it fuzzy.
I do not have "a big problem". Addiction is a big word, but a relationship with drinking is also a continuum, it might be a slippery slope. And this quest to give up quick fixes and fully just be, is the most noble one I know.
I have moved and lived and gone through my stuff. I did hide. I ate or hungered, loved, escaped, partied, worked, studied, bought, drank. I still do, I do not want to stop – because there is joy in all of them. And danger too. It is all about the base you are coming from. The magical world of intention and awareness, where you act out of choice instead of compulsion. It really is a great place, I am moving there. Slowly but surely. I still do it all. I eat or hunger, love, escape, party, work – with intent and awareness and joy. And I drink too, with intent. Kind of. Do I? Something feels off. Just the fact that I am not sure, is reason enough to do this. Intention and awareness are funny that way, they tend to flow over in everything you do: and now they are here, knocking on the door of wine.
So here I am. October 1, cut it out and see what happens. To see what comes up and be with what comes up.
When is it hard? When do I need it? How ingrained is this? How do I come up with alternatives? Because it is so easy! Sad, here have a drink. Good weather, let’s go outside and drink. Just did something great or scary or got a promotion, let’s celebrate. Meeting friends: let’s go. We are young, so we drink. And it is all okay. But it is all a little too easy and I am not fine with that right now: all this travelling has put me out of automatic reactions and habits and going back does not feel good now. I want to be more creative in how I heal, and celebrate, and connect.
This is not an all or nothing story. This is now. And I will drink with you – soon. Now, I do this. I go without. And I see what happens. And I meet you from my essence.
I let you know. Because sharing is caring and I care about this. And because somehow I did not do it last time, maybe you can have my back. Or join me. Let me know!